The Glasgow Street Monologues

A blog post by Albert Semple

13 Feb 2023


Gonnae gie us 50p? Naw? Tell ye whit: gie us 50p or ah'll gie ye 50p's worth a heidbutts. Naw naw, man, Ah'm just having a laugh, but seriously, ye couldnae juist spare us a few coins fur suhin tae eat? That daft burd a mine pit me oot the flat: nae jacket; nae wallet; nuhin. An it's fuckin brassic oot here. Juist want a cup a tea an some scran tae keep me gaun tae she'll let me go hame.


Hi, my name's Wilf and I wondered if you could spare a few minutes this afternoon to talk about blind children? Thanks so much for for your time, I work for a charity called "Child Vision" and we work with children across the UK who suffer from blindness or visual impairment — do you know any children personally who are visually impaired? No? Well our research tells us that 1 in 20 families in the UK have seen or heard of a child who has a visual impairment of some sort — don't you think that's an incredibly powerful statistic? We work with families across the UK researching and lobbying for policy changes to help them get the support they need. For just £5 per month (which is less than the price of two coffees) you can help us to continue to represent affected fam... — oh, you're leaving. Thanks for your time anyway! Have a great day!

Auld Saidy

Dae ye ken if yon siventy-siven bus goes up by the infirmary? Gaun tae see mah man: he's bin in ther fae Sunday and the doctor says he'll no be coming hame tae he can move that leg again — Christ knows whin that'll be. And aw the time he's in there the front grass is still grawn! It'll be yon hicht by the time he's oot, and it's no lik oanybdy else up wir close'll dae a turn wi the mower, lazy basturts. No lik ah cin dae it masel wi mah sair fit. Yon Missus Campbell ower the road is twitching her net curtains and scowlin et the state ae it awriddy, the auld bisom, but it'll juist need tae wait tae he's back, she cin lump it. If she wisnae such an auld bint mibbe her husband widnae be deid and he could cut the grass. Oh is this your bus here? Cheerio son, nice speakin tae ye.

Angry Maw

See you — Ah'm sick o yer cheek. If ah hud a time machine ah'd take ye back tae the eighties an skelp yer lug. In fact, we'd go back tae the seeventies an ah'd rattle baith yer lugs.