The works and musings of Albert Semple.

This is the long-form, static Blog of Albert Semple. Interactive microblogging, including the ability to comment on posts, is available via Mastodon.

20 Jun 2024

Worst Poem Ever

Whereas I mostly showcase my best work here — here is one of my worst.

26 Feb 2024

They Literally Buy Any Car

An anecdote about the sale of an old car to an unscrupulous agent.

21 Feb 2024

To the Driver of the Audi on the A4042

A poem addressed to an aggresive driver encountered in South Wales.

5 Feb 2024

Childhood Spar Shop Expedition

A short poem and anecdote of a recent trip to an Ebbw Vale spar shop.

25 Jan 2024

To a Clown

A Scots poem for Boris Johnson on Burns' Night

15 Jan 2024

Schwarzenegger's Dream Role

A short, light poem exploring what Arnold Schwarzenegger's dream film role could be.

26 Dec 2023

A Graveside Lament — Be Peaceful Fellow Traveller

An attempt at a secular poem for use in funerals where Christian ceremonies would typically use the "Ashes to ashes" prayer.

10 Dec 2023

Buying Xmas Gifts for Mariah Carey

Please spare a thought this time of your for whoever has to buy Mariah Carey a Christmas present — a poem documenting my many failed attempts to satisfy her.

8 Dec 2023

A Text Message from my Mother

A loosely "Found" poem based on a collection of real, parental text messages that performed well on social media (11.5k upvotes!)

5 Nov 2023

The Ikea Academy

Another "Bad Pun" poem for the collection.

29 Oct 2023

The Ghost of Art Garfunkel

A spooky ghost story for Halloween featuring Simon and Garfunkel. Mostly Garfunkel because he was always the scary one.

7 Sep 2023

The Sawny Bean Legend

A Scots poem describing character traits of Ayrshire legend, Sawny Bean.

5 Sep 2023

Elizabeth Truss

A poetic retrospective of our least competent Prime Minister in British history, Liz Truss.

30 Aug 2023

Letters from Australia

Poem documenting the alternative facts I learned about Australia from my penpal.

7 Aug 2023

A Massive Bequest for a Cat

Poem recalling how I accidentally caused panic for a cat owner.

3 Aug 2023

Silent Characters

A poem with two topics. Firstly the popularity of the Tories in Scotland, and secondly the strange Scottish place names that aren't pronounced as they are spelt.

10 Jul 2023

The Natural History Museum

A poem which questions what we really know about the dinosaurs.

4 Jul 2023

From Buckie, with Love

If they drink bucky in Lanarkshire — what do they drink in Buckie?

1 Jul 2023

Children's Poems for Adults

Two poems based on well known children's books, rewritten for adults.

2 Jun 2023

Real Sex Education for Men

A poem educating men on what to expect with the transition to middle-aged.

30 May 2023

Weight Loss Tips

You won't believe this ONE TRICK that can help if you're struggling with the bathroom scales.

19 May 2023

Off the Hook

A poem setting out my legal defence when issued with a speeding ticket.

16 May 2023

(Conditional) Freedom of the Press

An old poem that recently became topical, advising wealthy people how they can leverage their wealth to avoid scrutiny of their affairs by the press.

15 May 2023

The Brake Pad Muncher

A short poem based on a bad pun, giving further evidence I'm a flawed human being!

10 May 2023

Cost of Changing Monarch

An infographic (or possibly a concrete poem?) which sets out how much the change of monarch cost the taxpayer — it's over £1bn.

1 May 2023

May Day Poem

A serious poem about fascism in 21st century Britain.

4 Apr 2023

Nostalgic TV

Reminiscence of 90's TV, if only I could get my streaming services to work...

24 Mar 2023

Be Kind — Rewind

A warning for CERTAIN selfish visitors of my website.

23 Mar 2023

British Units

A poetic guide to how different units of measurement are used in the UK in 2022.

19 Mar 2023

Happy Mothers' Day!

A short poem for my wife on Mothers' Day.

11 Mar 2023

Kilmarnock's Literacy Problem

The key literacy challenge in Kilmarnock is not access to books, rather the name of its library.

3 Mar 2023

Happy Birthday to Jay

A rewrite of Happy Birthday for Jay.

13 Feb 2023

The Glasgow Street Monologues

A prose collection of unsolicited monologues from characters encountered on typical day in Glasgow.

24 Jan 2023

Address to the Haggis

A modern take on Robert Burns classic Address to the Haggis, written in English.

23 Jan 2023

Sacred Spaces

A poem exploring the sanctity of our sacred spaces, and what types of people me might want to ban from them if there was evidence to support it.

18 Jan 2023

Second Person Pronouns

A poem explaining how the second person prounouns (you/your) are pluralised in Scots.

14 Jan 2023

My Bum isn't Big

A poem accounting for one of my many aesthetic deficiencies.

13 Jan 2023

Parents' Night

Remembering the feedback from my teacher at the last parents night before I went off into the big bad world.

12 Jan 2023

Mair than Juist a Bad Poet

I understand writing poems that rhyme is unfashionable but here are a list of other unfashionable things I am or do as well.

30 Dec 2022

The Russian Advent Calendar

Got one of those fancy imported advent calendars this year — really nice.

29 Dec 2022

The Dark Abyss

Poem about a depressed man trying to check-in to a dark Ibis.

22 Dec 2022

Scare-the-Weans Semple

A case of mistaken identity leads to the narrator overhearing a hurtful admission from his wife.

14 Dec 2022

Cost of Christmas Crisis

In this poem, the narrator tries to make us all feel better about our current economic situation by sharing an anecdote of hardships past.

8 Dec 2022

My Trusty Old Laptop

Support vintage technology — its not only cool, but also better for the environment than buying new. My own laptop is ancient!

5 Dec 2022

The Crypto King

Proudly not investing in the blockchain since 2009.

4 Dec 2022

Lonely Hearts Haiku

Never got the point of Haiku, and writing this one hasn't converted me.

30 Nov 2022

Interactive Tool — Musk-era Twitter Emulator

I've created a new tool that allows anyone to experience what it's like to express left-leaning opinions on Twitter without having to actually sign up or even visit twitter.

27 Nov 2022

Writing Letters to People and Burning Them

A dark-humour poem with some sage advice from a therapist interpretted the wrong way.

26 Nov 2022

Scottish Self Determination

An unusually serious poem about the Supreme Court's ruling that the law does not permit Scotland to self determine its status.

25 Nov 2022

Guest Poem — My Neighbour's Weird Things

A creepy guest poem from Mastodon poet Mr Uku.

24 Nov 2022

Enzo's Italian Holiday Home

A short poem about the construction of my mate Enzo's dodgy holiday home.

18 Nov 2022

Awaiting Gentrification

Poem about a residents expectations of being "gentrified", as predicted by local estate agents.

7 Nov 2022

Guest Poem — Auld Age Disnae Come Itsel

A special guest poem by Albert Kirk Jnr (another Albert) that I wanted to share.

3 Nov 2022


A little poem I wrote about my (claimed) contribution to the academic world.

31 Oct 2022

The True Meaning of Halloween

Scotstober 2022 entry, where I explain the back story of Halloween in rhyme.

29 Oct 2022

Geoff the Chef

Poor Geoff. Workplace bullying isn't nice, but if it's to fictional characters, is it allowed to be funny?

14 Oct 2022

The Essential Scots Phrasebook

Another poem for the 2022 Scotstober event, this time using the word "clap".

11 Oct 2022

The Crackit Heidstane

An abandoned poem for the Twitter "Scotstober" event

27 Sep 2022

The CO Silence

Attempt at making carbon-monoxide funny! Instead it just came out very dark...

26 Sep 2022

Let the wealth trickle down upon me

Poem about the impact of trickle down economics on everyday people.

15 Sep 2022

Stop the Clocks!

Reflections in anticipation of Queen Elizabeth II's funeral on Monday 19 October.

13 Sep 2022

God Tax the Queen ('s Estate)

New verse for the national anthem, observing the enormous tax break we give to one of the richest families in the UK.

10 Aug 2022

Newport 9

A poem about a very Welsh form of vanity.

6 Jul 2022

Minister's Resignation Letter

Fictional member for Dogging-in-the-Wold, the Rt Hon Timon Featherstonehaugh MP, resigned from Boris Johnson's cabinet today.

24 Jun 2022

2022 UK By-elections

Satirical poem on the results of the June 2022 by-elections. Includes root-cause-analysis for the Conservatives.

10 Jun 2022

The Lass Fae Freuchie

Trying two new things — Scots language, and being funny. I'm possibly stretching too far on both.

27 May 2022

Which Toilet Should I Use

A handy guide for anyone who is stressed about other people's entitlement to use gender-specific toilet facilities.

22 Mar 2022

Bathroom Minimalism

Setting the ground rules for my possessions in anticipation or being Marie-Kondo-ed.