This is the long-form, static Blog of Albert Semple. Interactive microblogging, including the ability to comment on posts, is available via Mastodon.
They Literally Buy Any Car
An anecdote about the sale of an old car to an unscrupulous agent.
To the Driver of the Audi on the A4042
A poem addressed to an aggresive driver encountered in South Wales.
Childhood Spar Shop Expedition
A short poem and anecdote of a recent trip to an Ebbw Vale spar shop.
Schwarzenegger's Dream Role
A short, light poem exploring what Arnold Schwarzenegger's dream film role could be.
A Graveside Lament — Be Peaceful Fellow Traveller
An attempt at a secular poem for use in funerals where Christian ceremonies would typically use the "Ashes to ashes" prayer.
Buying Xmas Gifts for Mariah Carey
Please spare a thought this time of your for whoever has to buy Mariah Carey a Christmas present — a poem documenting my many failed attempts to satisfy her.
A Text Message from my Mother
A loosely "Found" poem based on a collection of real, parental text messages that performed well on social media (11.5k upvotes!)
The Ghost of Art Garfunkel
A spooky ghost story for Halloween featuring Simon and Garfunkel. Mostly Garfunkel because he was always the scary one.
The Sawny Bean Legend
A Scots poem describing character traits of Ayrshire legend, Sawny Bean.
Elizabeth Truss
A poetic retrospective of our least competent Prime Minister in British history, Liz Truss.
Letters from Australia
Poem documenting the alternative facts I learned about Australia from my penpal.
A Massive Bequest for a Cat
Poem recalling how I accidentally caused panic for a cat owner.
Silent Characters
A poem with two topics. Firstly the popularity of the Tories in Scotland, and secondly the strange Scottish place names that aren't pronounced as they are spelt.
The Natural History Museum
A poem which questions what we really know about the dinosaurs.
From Buckie, with Love
If they drink bucky in Lanarkshire — what do they drink in Buckie?
Children's Poems for Adults
Two poems based on well known children's books, rewritten for adults.
Real Sex Education for Men
A poem educating men on what to expect with the transition to middle-aged.
Weight Loss Tips
You won't believe this ONE TRICK that can help if you're struggling with the bathroom scales.
(Conditional) Freedom of the Press
An old poem that recently became topical, advising wealthy people how they can leverage their wealth to avoid scrutiny of their affairs by the press.
The Brake Pad Muncher
A short poem based on a bad pun, giving further evidence I'm a flawed human being!
Cost of Changing Monarch
An infographic (or possibly a concrete poem?) which sets out how much the change of monarch cost the taxpayer — it's over £1bn.
Nostalgic TV
Reminiscence of 90's TV, if only I could get my streaming services to work...
British Units
A poetic guide to how different units of measurement are used in the UK in 2022.
Kilmarnock's Literacy Problem
The key literacy challenge in Kilmarnock is not access to books, rather the name of its library.
The Glasgow Street Monologues
A prose collection of unsolicited monologues from characters encountered on typical day in Glasgow.
Address to the Haggis
A modern take on Robert Burns classic Address to the Haggis, written in English.
Sacred Spaces
A poem exploring the sanctity of our sacred spaces, and what types of people me might want to ban from them if there was evidence to support it.
Second Person Pronouns
A poem explaining how the second person prounouns (you/your) are pluralised in Scots.
Parents' Night
Remembering the feedback from my teacher at the last parents night before I went off into the big bad world.
Mair than Juist a Bad Poet
I understand writing poems that rhyme is unfashionable but here are a list of other unfashionable things I am or do as well.
The Russian Advent Calendar
Got one of those fancy imported advent calendars this year — really nice.
Scare-the-Weans Semple
A case of mistaken identity leads to the narrator overhearing a hurtful admission from his wife.
Cost of Christmas Crisis
In this poem, the narrator tries to make us all feel better about our current economic situation by sharing an anecdote of hardships past.
My Trusty Old Laptop
Support vintage technology — its not only cool, but also better for the environment than buying new. My own laptop is ancient!
Lonely Hearts Haiku
Never got the point of Haiku, and writing this one hasn't converted me.
Interactive Tool — Musk-era Twitter Emulator
I've created a new tool that allows anyone to experience what it's like to express left-leaning opinions on Twitter without having to actually sign up or even visit twitter.
Writing Letters to People and Burning Them
A dark-humour poem with some sage advice from a therapist interpretted the wrong way.
Scottish Self Determination
An unusually serious poem about the Supreme Court's ruling that the law does not permit Scotland to self determine its status.
Enzo's Italian Holiday Home
A short poem about the construction of my mate Enzo's dodgy holiday home.
Awaiting Gentrification
Poem about a residents expectations of being "gentrified", as predicted by local estate agents.
Guest Poem — Auld Age Disnae Come Itsel
A special guest poem by Albert Kirk Jnr (another Albert) that I wanted to share.
The True Meaning of Halloween
Scotstober 2022 entry, where I explain the back story of Halloween in rhyme.
Geoff the Chef
Poor Geoff. Workplace bullying isn't nice, but if it's to fictional characters, is it allowed to be funny?
The Essential Scots Phrasebook
Another poem for the 2022 Scotstober event, this time using the word "clap".
The CO Silence
Attempt at making carbon-monoxide funny! Instead it just came out very dark...
Let the wealth trickle down upon me
Poem about the impact of trickle down economics on everyday people.
Stop the Clocks!
Reflections in anticipation of Queen Elizabeth II's funeral on Monday 19 October.
God Tax the Queen ('s Estate)
New verse for the national anthem, observing the enormous tax break we give to one of the richest families in the UK.
Minister's Resignation Letter
Fictional member for Dogging-in-the-Wold, the Rt Hon Timon Featherstonehaugh MP, resigned from Boris Johnson's cabinet today.
2022 UK By-elections
Satirical poem on the results of the June 2022 by-elections. Includes root-cause-analysis for the Conservatives.
The Lass Fae Freuchie
Trying two new things — Scots language, and being funny. I'm possibly stretching too far on both.
Which Toilet Should I Use
A handy guide for anyone who is stressed about other people's entitlement to use gender-specific toilet facilities.
Bathroom Minimalism
Setting the ground rules for my possessions in anticipation or being Marie-Kondo-ed.