This is the long-form, static Blog of Albert Semple. Interactive microblogging, including the ability to comment on posts, is available via Mastodon.
Be Kind — Rewind
A warning for CERTAIN selfish visitors of my website.
A poetic guide to how different units of measurement are used in the UK in 2022.
Happy Mothers' Day!
A short poem for my wife on Mothers' Day.
Kilmarnock's Literacy Problem
The key literacy challenge in Kilmarnock is not access to books, rather the name of its library.
Happy Birthday to Jay
A rewrite of Happy Birthday for Jay.
The Glasgow Street Monologues
A prose collection of unsolicited monologues from characters encountered on typical day in Glasgow.
Address to the Haggis
A modern take on Robert Burns classic Address to the Haggis, written in English.
A poem exploring the sanctity of our sacred spaces, and what types of people me might want to ban from them if there was evidence to support it.
Second Person Pronouns
A poem explaining how the second person prounouns (you/your) are pluralised in Scots.
My Bum isn't Big
A poem accounting for one of my many aesthetic deficiencies.
Remembering the feedback from my teacher at the last parents night before I went off into the big bad world.
Mair than Juist a Bad Poet
I understand writing poems that rhyme is unfashionable but here are a list of other unfashionable things I am or do as well.
The Russian Advent Calendar
Got one of those fancy imported advent calendars this year — really nice.
The Dark Abyss
Poem about a depressed man trying to check-in to a dark Ibis.
Picasso's Last Christmas
I hope it's not too soon for this Picasso/George Michael mash-up.
A case of mistaken identity leads to the narrator overhearing a hurtful admission from his wife.
Cost of Christmas Crisis
In this poem, the narrator tries to make us all feel better about our current economic situation by sharing an anecdote of hardships past.
My Trusty Old Laptop
Support vintage technology — its not only cool, but also better for the environment than buying new. My own laptop is ancient!
The Crypto King
Proudly not investing in the blockchain since 2009.
Lonely Hearts Haiku
Never got the point of Haiku, and writing this one hasn't converted me.
Interactive Tool — Musk-era Twitter Emulator
I've created a new tool that allows anyone to experience what it's like to express left-leaning opinions on Twitter without having to actually sign up or even visit twitter.
Writing Letters to People and Burning Them
A dark-humour poem with some sage advice from a therapist interpretted the wrong way.
Scottish Self Determination
An unusually serious poem about the Supreme Court's ruling that the law does not permit Scotland to self determine its status.
Guest Poem — My Neighbour's Weird Things
A creepy guest poem from Mastodon poet Mr Uku.
Enzo's Italian Holiday Home
A short poem about the construction of my mate Enzo's dodgy holiday home.
Poem about a residents expectations of being "gentrified", as predicted by local estate agents.
Guest Poem — Auld Age Disnae Come Itsel
A special guest poem by Albert Kirk Jnr (another Albert) that I wanted to share.
A little poem I wrote about my (claimed) contribution to the academic world.
The True Meaning of Halloween
Scotstober 2022 entry, where I explain the back story of Halloween in rhyme.
Geoff the Chef
Poor Geoff. Workplace bullying isn't nice, but if it's to fictional characters, is it allowed to be funny?
The Essential Scots Phrasebook
Another poem for the 2022 Scotstober event, this time using the word "clap".
The Crackit Heidstane
An abandoned poem for the Twitter "Scotstober" event
The CO Silence
Attempt at making carbon-monoxide funny! Instead it just came out very dark...
Let the wealth trickle down upon me
Poem about the impact of trickle down economics on everyday people.
Stop the Clocks!
Reflections in anticipation of Queen Elizabeth II's funeral on Monday 19 October.
God Tax the Queen ('s Estate)
New verse for the national anthem, observing the enormous tax break we give to one of the richest families in the UK.
A poem about a very Welsh form of vanity.
Minister's Resignation Letter
Fictional member for Dogging-in-the-Wold, the Rt Hon Timon Featherstonehaugh MP, resigned from Boris Johnson's cabinet today.
2022 UK By-elections
Satirical poem on the results of the June 2022 by-elections. Includes root-cause-analysis for the Conservatives.
The Lass Fae Freuchie
Trying two new things — Scots language, and being funny. I'm possibly stretching too far on both.
Which Toilet Should I Use
A handy guide for anyone who is stressed about other people's entitlement to use gender-specific toilet facilities.
Setting the ground rules for my possessions in anticipation or being Marie-Kondo-ed.