Newport 9

A blog post by Albert Semple

10 Aug 2022

This poem describes a perceived hierarchy of attractiveness based on the geographical context of the subject.

Check me out — I'm looking fine.
My mates say I'm a Newport Nine.
Buy us a drink? Whatever mate.
I'd never go below an eight.
But when in Cardiff, I confess
I'm just a six, or maybe less.
And when in Bristol, barely four —
I'm realistic 'bout my score.
But back in Newport, I'm a nine,
Unless I go to Croespenmaen.
They're in a different league again,
And rate us as a Valleys Ten.
Accessible version

I've ranked the places in order of house prices rather than any actual observations:

And for people unfamiliar with Welsh place-name pronunciation, I have triple checked, and Croespenmaen definitely does rhyme with nine!