Address to the Haggis

by Albert Semple, 2014

  1. Wee sleekit, cowrin', timrous beast.
  2. The highlight of our modest feast.
  3. You're served with such great pomp and grace
  4.  On silver platter.
  5. I'd rather have you served with chips
  6.  And fried in batter.

  7. When just last week, you ran so free
  8. Upon the hills behind Dundee.
  9. A haggis, with your beady eyes
  10. And one short leg: you ran clockwise.

  11. But now upon our dish you lie,
  12. A cheapskate's answer to steak pie,
  13. And I've been asked to say some words
  14.  Like some damned fool,
  15. The only Scottish man in town
  16.  Who went to school.

  17. And from my hockey sock, a knife
  18. To stab you with and end your life.
  19. Your gushing entrails, what they are,
  20.  Nobody knows.
  21. We could have just got pizza sent
  22.  From Dominos.

  23. But Burns' night's not allowed to pass
  24. Without some whisky in our glass.
  25. No jellied eels, no Tayto crisps,
  26.  No peas and faggots.
  27. Tonight we dine on wholesome fare:
  28.  Let's eat haggis.

  29. (Although I might have the steak pie myself)

by Albert Semple
29 lines over 6 stanzas.