- The Susan Gray report
- has been a source of discontent.
- My most sincere apologies
- I give to parliament:
- I'm sorry that you feel
- the rules should be applied to me.
- I'm sorry there's a photo
- of our garden jamboree.
- I'm sorry that you learnt
- of parties held in Downing Street.
- I'm sorry if you feel
- that we were being indiscreet
- When holding workplace gatherings
- with Carrie round at mine.
- (With birthday cake and singing
- and a suitcase full of wine!)
- I'm sorry to the Queen
- (from whom a knighthood I expect)
- I'm sorry if she felt
- that we imparted disrespect,
- The night before she placed her Duke
- to rest within his grave,
- I drank a load of Jaegerbombs,
- and held a modest rave.
- I'm sorry to the people caught
- transgressing at the time,
- Who got official cautions
- or were issued with a fine.
- They should have been like us
- and had a policeman at the door,
- And if that's not an option,
- maybe try not being poor?
- I'm sorry to Chris Whitty
- and to good old JVT,
- Who helped describe restrictions
- from our lecterns on TV.
- While we set out the governance
- that would restrict the proles,
- My team were working flat out
- to identify loopholes.
- And really I'm the victim here
- when all is said and done,
- I had no permie secretary
- regulating fun.
- The failings found in leadership
- don't come from the PM,
- They all stem from this vacancy,
- that's who we should condemn.
- The first task for this vacancy
- is to deflect the blame
- And obfuscate proceedings
- to conceal our lack of shame.
- But if you press them hard enough,
- a culprit they'll locate,
- Some lowly young advisor
- whom we'll force to abdicate.
- We'll leave investigation
- of my errors to the police
- Until they've done their work,
- no further facts will I release.
- With Dame Imelda's scrutiny
- the matter's out our hands.
- (We knighted her last year,
- so she'll comply with our demands.)____
by Albert Semple
64 lines over 8 stanzas.