Boris' Apology

by Albert Semple, 2022

  1. The Susan Gray report
  2.  has been a source of discontent.
  3. My most sincere apologies
  4.  I give to parliament:
  5. I'm sorry that you feel
  6.  the rules should be applied to me.
  7. I'm sorry there's a photo
  8.  of our garden jamboree.

  9. I'm sorry that you learnt
  10.  of parties held in Downing Street.
  11. I'm sorry if you feel
  12.  that we were being indiscreet
  13. When holding workplace gatherings
  14.  with Carrie round at mine.
  15. (With birthday cake and singing
  16.  and a suitcase full of wine!)

  17. I'm sorry to the Queen
  18.  (from whom a knighthood I expect)
  19. I'm sorry if she felt
  20.  that we imparted disrespect,
  21. The night before she placed her Duke
  22.  to rest within his grave,
  23. I drank a load of Jaegerbombs,
  24.  and held a modest rave.

  25. I'm sorry to the people caught
  26.  transgressing at the time,
  27. Who got official cautions
  28.  or were issued with a fine.
  29. They should have been like us
  30.  and had a policeman at the door,
  31. And if that's not an option,
  32.  maybe try not being poor?

  33. I'm sorry to Chris Whitty
  34.  and to good old JVT,
  35. Who helped describe restrictions
  36.  from our lecterns on TV.
  37. While we set out the governance
  38.  that would restrict the proles,
  39. My team were working flat out
  40.  to identify loopholes.

  41. And really I'm the victim here
  42.  when all is said and done,
  43. I had no permie secretary
  44.  regulating fun.
  45. The failings found in leadership
  46.  don't come from the PM,
  47. They all stem from this vacancy,
  48.  that's who we should condemn.

  49. The first task for this vacancy
  50.  is to deflect the blame
  51. And obfuscate proceedings
  52.  to conceal our lack of shame.
  53. But if you press them hard enough,
  54.  a culprit they'll locate,
  55. Some lowly young advisor
  56.  whom we'll force to abdicate.

  57. We'll leave investigation
  58.  of my errors to the police
  59. Until they've done their work,
  60.  no further facts will I release.
  61. With Dame Imelda's scrutiny
  62.  the matter's out our hands.
  63. (We knighted her last year,
  64.  so she'll comply with our demands.)

by Albert Semple
64 lines over 8 stanzas.