The Celebrant's Tale

1. The living room furniture
2.  moved out the way:
3. The coffin lay open;
4.  the corpse on display.
5. The corpse gave a wheeze
6.  and abruptly sat up,
7. Gasped "WATER!" then "PLEASE!"
8.  and reached out for a cup.
   
   
9. His two older sisters,
10.  both froze in alarm:
11. The oldest one
12.  holding a loaf in each arm;
13. The younger one's butter knife
14.  loaded with marge.
15. Regaining composure,
16.  the elder took charge.
    
    
17. "Well that's just like Humphrey,"
18.  old Agatha said
19. "The man can still bother us
20.  after he's dead.
21. I've read about this
22.  in the Reader's Digest:
23. The body's just twitching
24.  before it's at rest."
    
    
25. Said Molly, the younger one,
26.  holding her knife,
27. "I'd not put it past him
28.  to come back to life:
29. The coffin alone
30.  cost us two thousand pound,
31. Then three thousand more
32.  for his hole in the ground.
    
    
33. "Now Humphrey, just settle
34.  and lay down your head.
35. The doctor's certificate
36.  shows that you're dead.
37. We need to get on now
38.  for everyone's sake:
39. We're making the sandwiches up
40.  for your wake.
    
    
41. "There's eighty-five mourners
42.  all coming for tea,
43. With nine of them vegan
44.  and five dairy-free.
45. The garage were out
46.  of tinned salmon in brine.
47. Sardines were on offer -
48.  I thought they'd do fine."
    
    
49. The corpse seemed to slump
50.  and lay down in the cask,
51. The sisters relaxed
52.  and returned to their task.
53. "So when is the funeral
54.  manager here
55. To screw down the lid
56.  before mourners appear?"
    
    
57. "He's coming at five,
58.  same as both the McCleans.
59. They want a last look
60.  at the shrivelled remains."
61. "But can't we just shut it
62.  ourselves anyhow,
63. Avoiding more scares,
64.  like the one we had now?"
    
    
65. "It wouldn't be proper.
66.  Old Mrs McLean
67. Is keen to inspect it -
68.  the nosy old pain.
69. Besides, there's no time!
70.  We've still trifle to make,
71. The vol-au-vents
72.  still need an hour to bake!"
    
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73. At four forty-five
74.  came old Mrs McLean,
75. Her face like a storm
76.  with her husband in train.
77. "We've come to inspect it,"
78.  declared the old shrew.
79. "He's up on the table.
80.  You'd better come through."
    
    
81. Mrs McLean,
82.  and her husband behind,
83. Went mournfully through
84.  where the corpse was confined.
85. As soon as they entered
86.  and took in the scene
87. Old Mrs McLean
88.  gave a blood-boiling scream!
    
    
89. Done screaming, she shouted,
90.  "It's come back to life!"
91. While Mr McLean
92.  promptly fainted with strife.
93. Old Humphrey, sat up in the coffin,
94.  just stared
95. Appearing confused
96.  and a little bit scared.
    
    
97. They fussed around Mr McLean
98.  on the floor,
99. While Humph, the deceased,
100.  they all chose to ignore.
101. "We must fetch a constable."
102.  Molly went out,
103. The others all fussing
104.  and flapping about.
     
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105. And soon came back Molly
106.  with Constable Clive,
107. In uniform -
108.  shoulder badge G-fifty-five.
109. He glanced at the coffin
110.  where Humphrey was sat.
111. He took out his notebook
112.  and pushed back his hat.
     
     
113. He asked a few questions,
114.  gave Humph a good look,
115. Recorded his findings
116.  within his small book:
117. The sisters competing
118.  to tell him their tale,
119. While Humphrey just sat
120.  looking frightened and pale.
     
     
121. "It's not a police matter
122.  as far as I see.
123. I've called on my Super:
124.  he seems to agree.
125. Good afternoon, ladies,"
126.  said G-fifty-five,
127. Departing as quickly
128.  as he did arrive.
     
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129. And then came the doctor,
130.  old Basil McCreath
131. Who'd signed-off the papers
132.  confirming the death.
133. "This happens occasion'ly.
134.  Isn't unknown:
135. I had seven cases
136.  in April alone."
     
     
137. He looked in his stethoscope.
138.  Tapped it to test.
139. "I wrote about this
140.  for the Reader's Digest."
141. "But what of the paperwork?"
142.  Agatha cried.
143. "His pension will stop
144.  as they'll think that he's died."
     
     
145. He scrunched the certificate
146.  down in the grate
147. And set it alight
148.  to conceal his mistake.
149. He finished his whisky
150.  and straightened his tie,
151. "The error's corrected -
152.  I bid you goodye."
     
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153. The funeral manager,
154.  next to arrive
155. Was shocked to discover
156.  his client alive.
157. "The contract is signed
158.  and the fees are prepaid.
159. It's too late to cancel.
160.  The plans have been made.
     
     
161. "The coffin was custom:
162.  I can't take it back:
163. His name and his dates
164.  are engraved on the plaque.
165. The hearse will depart
166.  for the chapel as planned,
167. Regardless of whether
168.  the hearse-deck is manned."
     
     
169. "But what of the buffet,
170.  the mourners, the flowers?
171. My sister and I
172.  have been working for hours?"
173. "Good afternoon, ladies.",
174.  with that he withdrew.
175. "My invoice will follow.
176.  Please leave a review."
     
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177. Old Humphrey, still sitting,
178.  then angled his head,
179. "I'm really quite tired.
180.  Please, help me to bed."
181. "Your bedding's been washed
182.  and is hanging to dry,
183. Besides you look cosy,"
184.  said Moll in reply.
     
     
185. "The lining cost extra,
186.  that blue velveteen,
187. So probably best
188.  if you stay where you've been.
189. Perhaps, in the morning,
190.  we'll move you. Alright?
191. We'll put on the lid
192.  but won't screw it too tight."
     
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by Albert Semple
192 lines over 24 stanzas.